Stop giving me that pop-up ad for CLASSMATES.COM!  There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days; mowing my lawn.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.  People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli.  Hey, it costs less than a dollar.  What did you expect it to contain?  Trout?

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.  I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a retard.  When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

Ladies leave your eyebrows alone.  Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them?  Okay, we're done.

There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole isle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without the watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.  You want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water.

Stop fucking with old people.  Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.  And the top is now at the bottom.  And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.  Congratulations, Target, you just solved the social security crisis.

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decafe grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one nutrasweet, one sweet-n'-low".  Ooh you're a huge asshole.

I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding my card, selecting 'DEBIT' entering my PIN, pressing 'ENTER', verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'ENTER' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

Girls, just because your tattoo has chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.  It's right above the crack of your ass.  And it translates to "beef with broccoli".  The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Competitive eating isn't a sport.  It's one of the deadly sins.  ESPN recently televised the US open of competitive eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.  What's next, competitive farting?  Oh wait.  They're already doing that.  It's called "The Howard Stern Show".

I don't need a bigger mega M&M.  If I'm hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.  Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.