Send via SMS

Friday, March 10, 2006

 

The Gatorade Conspiracy

Have you ever pulled a joke on somebody, but you could never tell them about it because it was a prank so foul, so degrading, so truly evil...that revealing it would have had dire consequences? Like maybe spitting on someone's food or stealing the Playboy they kept under their mattress during puberty for emergency masturbatory purposes? (And yes: I'm talking to you, Chris Wallace, you thieving bastard!)

Sure you have. We all have. But this isn't the place for confessions, so please don't flood our inbox with comments about how you replaced your sister's birth control pills with
Tic Tacs . If we really cared about your life, we'd call ourselves "Dear Abby," and we would suck.

No, today I want to expose the conspiracy the people at
Gatorade have been perpetrating on the sports drink drinking public for the past few decades. I first discovered their dastardly plot back in high school, but just like when you accidentally walked in on your grandparents having sex -- ugly, sweaty, disgusting sex -- I haven't had the courage to talk about it. Until now.

So let's begin. Please look at the following image and tell me what you see.


blackedout01

Not sure? Okay, look more closely. Much more closely...

blackout02

Okay. If you said anything other than "penis," then you're either a liar, a eunuch, or a Gatorade employee trying desperately to hold onto your job. Because it is, in fact, a Gatorade bottle:

Gatorade
You thought it was a penis. Admit it.

How is it that no one else has ever brought this up? The bottle that contains the most popular sports drink on the planet looks like a big, thick, throbbing penis, from the clearly defined and strangely textured head to the perfectly tapered shaft. The only thing missing are a few well-placed veins. Of course, the Gatorade apologists could argue that the male penis comes in an endless variety of shapes and sizes, many of which are strange and asymmetrical. The Gatorade bottles, on the other hand, have standard sizes and are all perfectly proportional. To which I say: whatever.

Gatorade - bold
Experience the bolder taste...of fruit-flavored cock.

Maybe it's all a simple misunderstanding. Maybe nature figured out billions of years ago that the penis was the perfect fluid dispenser, and now people are just unconsciously copying that design. I mean, the phallic shape is everywhere: pencils, missles, rocket ships, skyscrapers, mustard containers, hot dogs, baseball bats...the list could literally go on and on. So sure, perhaps the penis is the perfect shape for just about anything. But that still doesn't explain the overt and obvious sexual connotations in ads like this:

Gatorade - blatant
Come on, now. I've seen porn that isn't this blatant.

I just can't accept the idea that this is just a coincidence. There's no way. Which brings me to the conspiracy part. Why do I think it's a conspiracy, you ask? Think about it. You take the world's premier sports drink and package it inside a giant penis-shaped thing, and you know what happens? Every macho stud, every muscular he-man, every guy who takes his masculinity just a little bit too seriously...at some point is going to put a cock in his mouth and suck. That's right. Because no one drinks Gatorade out of a cup, and you have to actively squeeze on and suck out of the bottle to get the drink to dispense as fast as you want it.

Are you still a doubter? Do you think I'm overreacting, or, at worst, just making up wild stories? Fine. Believe what you will. But before you make your final decision, consider this screen capture from an actual Gatorade advertisement that ran during a televised basketball game this season:

Gatorade - black light
Under a black light, Gatorade looks just like...well, you know.

Uh huh. The Gatorade people are all but rubbing our noses in it. You know somewhere there are several rich men sitting in a board room and laughing like Dr. Evil every time they watch Michael Jordan give a big, sloppy blow job on national television. Gatorade commercials tend to feature our best athletes, whether male or female, and they all without exception show said athlete slurping down nutritious, electrolyte-laden fluids straight from the universal life source. Sometimes they pour it all over themselves, bukake-style, and, for God's sake, they even sweat it out of their very pores (as exampled above). Few men are as homophobic as professional male athletes, and few women are as liberated as professional female athletes, and we get to see them all play the bitch to a giant phallic symbol, again and again, on national television. Gatorade's tagline "Is It In You?" is pretty appropriate, but if that's not "subtle" enough, maybe they should change it to "Is It Thrusting Hard And Deep Into You?".

And if you think about it, the joke is really never-ending. I, for one, will never be able to watch someone drink Gatorade without wincing, laughing, or both (probably both). Need proof? Go do a
Google image search for Gatorade. You know what you'll find? Pictures like this:

Gatorade - money shot
This poor kid took the "money shot" at his soccer game.

You'll also find pictures like this:

Gatorade - school yard
Young women are perfecting their blowjob skills in schoolyards
across the country. With a little help from Gatorade, of course.

You'll even find pictures like this, where a seemingly innocent senior picture turned into something much more suggestive:

Gatorade - senior pic
An innocent senior picture, or a production still
from Fill All Her Dirty Holes Again - Part 17?

It seems like our whole society is preoccupied with the male penis. And this isn't a new thing. Have you ever seen an Ancient Egyption obelisk? Ancient Greek and Roman columns? Cock-shaped weapons like the sword and spear were specifically designed for quick, powerful thrusting. I guess the major difference between the ancients and us is that, back then, phallic symbols were reserved for things like art, war, and architecture. Now they're used for everything from flying into space to replacing the complex carbohydrates we lose while running a marathon.

And so we have the Gatorade bottle. So much of the advertising for this stuff centers around "increased stamina" and the ability to "last longer" in sports and other activities. So maybe it's just natural that the vessle for this amazing concoction would be the living symbol for strength and endurance. And the best part is, Gatorade turns sticky when it dries, just like cum. So the Gatorade people have done everything they can to rehydrate us while using the most powerful and lasting icon in the history of mankind.

And if this is all just some whimsical flight of fancy on my part, then I can only offer my most sincere apology. But if you're ever caught away from home without your favorite sex toys, and you need a little help "getting the job done," you can find Gatorade almost anywhere anything is sold. I'm just sayin'.


Gatorade - shapes
Gatorade comes in virtually any size and shape
you may need for, you know, whatever.

Homotastic Edit: I took some serious criticism from fellow Basketbawfulite Dave "Badass" Larson for not including a picture of Michael Jordan getting it on with his Gatorade. So, without further ado...

Gatorade - Jordan
Yes, even Michael Jordan enjoys cool
liquid refreshment from a giant penis.

Part II: Gatorade responds to our conspiracy theory.

Comments:
this is the best post so far. i'd link to this post, but most of my readers hate sports.
 
I can't stop laughing. This is awesome.
 
Try looking at the top of a beer bottle sometime... you think it's limited to Gatorade?
 
how could you have missed the opportunity to reference teabagging with regard to that photo of Michael Jordan?
 
Top notch old boy, bravo. You've englightened us all.
 
You are so stupid.
 
... ahahha.
 
you are so immature and stupid u have the most perverted mind and its just homosexual that u think like tis
 
that is great i just cant stop laughing
 
like who cares? and so what? so stop drinking it now or you are drinking it more? whats next? what tacos look like?, mangos? wanna blame god for bananas? get a life>
 
I think the reactions to this post are priceless. What kind of person takes offense to some down right good school yard humor. Bravo job well done!
 
now if only you could get a pic of a gatorade bottle being used as a penis replacement by some fun lovin' female!
 
Of course it looks like a penis. It was ivented by University of Florida GAYTORS, for their gaytor football players. It's not the actual drink that gets those boys fired up, it's the thought and sight of penis in mouth that gets them going.
 
OMG, I knew I liked Gatorade for a reason!
 
r u discovering marketing?
 
Fred Smoot likes it too.
smootade"
 
Address got cut off--just search for "gatorade bottle design" on google, second link. And why haven't you talked about the sucking cup extension on the smaller gatorade bottles? That is even more creepy.
 
nice! even though I smell a law suit in this one ...
 
Well done. This post has turned a ridiculously unproductive day at work into a hilarious, ridiculously unproductive day at work.

And that's about the highest praise I can give a website.
 
Do you even need to rework the "Is it in you?" slogan?
 
i'm skeptical, but it's intriguing nonetheless.
 
even for the Net, this is stupid
 
not sure what to think about this
 
You wasted our time with this? Pretty lame...
 
You wasted your time posting a negative comment on this work of genius? Pretty lame.
 
great post. a little long but enjoyable
 
That's brilliant! Haha. I laughed so hard...
 
A cock a day umm.. I mean a gatorade keeps the doctor away
 
Those little openings in your skin are called pores, not pours.
 
Adrien Monk, is that you?
 
I put my own semen in the bottles and then give it to kids to drink. There, my confession.
 
what about hot dogs??
 
Wow... dumb.
 
These people probably think Gatorade is too subtle:

http://www.cockolada.de/
 
I run media-post.net that was some good stuff man. That made me laugh. I just linked it
 
You all should see the "Corona Ad you'll never see" on Shooshtime.com, back in the archives. What she does with an almost empty bottle...
 
This is absolutely awesome. What's funnier is the tools who are all up-in-arms over this.

To the morons who are pissed: "Do you work for Gatorade?" What? No?

Then SHUT THE HELL UP.

Huge, Huge, HUGE kudos to you, this is friggin' HILLARIOUS. I sent this link around our training class and everyone was laughing their ass off. Good stuff matey.
 
Nothing like seeing some hot chick suck the juices from a blue penis to get your morning started! Great Job!
 
This research is simply not complete. It only reflects the visual comparisons of the bottle to the male appendage. I'd like to see an installment that actually compares its use. Inserting a penis and a bottle into the human body, in my opinion, would yield different results.

I'm looking forward to the pictorial though.
 
HOLY SHIT!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!
 
Beautiful, great insight. I knew there was a reason Ihate the stuff. Good Job.
 
This is an AWESOME post, for those of you who said it was a waste of time, you're the ones who decided to read it so it much have intrigued you to some extent... and even then you stayed and took the time to post! HAHA!! LOVE IT!
 
I knew I loved gatorade for some reason other than the taste
 
Hey guess- who Gatorade hired to do their promo after seeing this stuff???

JENNA JAMESON!!!
 
thats fucking retarded.
 
Haha, nice. Did anybody else notice that the ones who made fun of this post, are idiots with horrible grammar?
 
You need to spend a lot less time thinking about penises and cum.

Guess what you are gay!!!!
 
Gatorade is crap ; just water, sugar (lots of it), caffeine, salt, and food coloring. Read the label...if you can. That's what they count on, that 70% of their consumers are too illiterate to read and understand the sorry list of ingredients in their over-priced pisswater.
 
"Guess what you are gay!!!!"

He's a homosexual because he recognizes the shape of a penis? This post is a work of comic genius; the writer deserves kudos, not flames.
 
Products like Gatorade might be piss water, but they can quickly stop cramps in your legs and arms. They always work for me. If I have a lot of physical work to do and forget to have a sports drink and I get cramps anywhere, drinking a glass of Gatorade (or similar sports drink) gets rid of the cramps in no time. If you often get a "Charlie Horse" at night, there is a very good chance that drinking some Gatorade or similar sports drink will solve the problem. That Charlie Horse should ride off into the sunset never to be seen again.

I'd never drink directly out of a Gatorade bottle though. That has been scientifically proven to turn you gay. If you're already gay, it will turn you Uncle Arthur/alien in the attic gay. :D
 
I could never drink that stuff anyway... -_- Always made me sick... ^_^

This article was hilarious!!!
Izzy
 
You're gay if you don't fondle my balls for five seconds.
 
My penis is bigger than that.
 
"Hey, let's sneak up on the coach and douse him with the cooler full of gatorade!"

BUKAKKE!!!!

Rocket Jones
 
Well thought out and completely well articulated. The people who do not see the humor in this have no sence of it what so ever.
 
OOHH daaamn that is wicked funny, and now I cannot look someone ,who has just tipped a gatorade, in the eye.
 
if people only knew how true this really is. if you know anything about the power structure in this world (illuminati, NWO, etc), hence the people at the top of the food chain that essentially own every corporation/military/government entity, youd know they are obsessed with the phallic symbol and place it everywhere they can within the daily lives of the 'sheep' they control.
 
damn good post
 
I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!

I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS AND MY FRIENDS THINK I AM NUTS!!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
 
I was so funny I laughed until I stopped.
 
THANK GOD! SOMEONE ELSE NOTICED!!! YOU FUCKERS WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES!
 
Dude a few comments ago actually said gatorade (penis) helps his cramps. sure those arent menstrual?
 
Case is very well stated. Tommy, get back to work.
The Boss
 
lame.
 
one time my mom made casserole.
 
very funny, thank you.
beside being anonymous,
you can see the little pricks are pissed.
 
my girlfriend loves gatoraide!!!!!
 
Erich and Thad like to drink gatorade with little boys
 
Matt prefers throat yogurt to gatorade, it is loaded with electrolytes. ASHI-CUDA Beyyyyyotch
 
I love ASHI-CUDA and yogurt. especially amy's ASHI-CUDA yogurt.
 
my chair is broken!!!!!!
 
Does nayone know of a good Chair Breaker Consulting Firm?
 
I dont know of a good Chair Breaker Consulting Firm. However, I do know someone who can design an avocado monkey-hand waterfall.
 
Makes damn sense....shit i've been sucking on a giant penis for years...DO'H
 
lol
 
Dude, you are my fucking hero.

I swear to drink only Boo-Koo for energy from now until the day the caffine kills me.
 
That's brilliant...

Now it seems so obvious... the bottle, the advertising.

Now Gatorade doesn't seem so appealing.
 
Lame shit, get a life and find something else better to do with you life the finding cocks you homo
 
Some of these comments are just as funny as the article. Some people seem to be getting a little too upset about a funny little timewasting article.
 
I love how these people get so upset about an innocent joke about a gatorade bottle...I mean come on now when are you going to stop bitching about little nick nacks...Your probably a human rights or animal rights person...I think the joke is hilarious and is kind of funny now that I look at a gatorade bottle and start laughing...
 
OMG your penis looks like a penis and you hold it every day! You cockholder!
 
The resemblence in unmistakable. That design couldn't have been made by accident.
 
Oh great now this gives parents more to bitch about....
Their gonna want take it off the selfs ....
Although itd very funny to me!!!hehe..
 
Oh great now this gives parents more to bitch about....
Their gonna want take it off the shelfs ....
Although itd very funny to me!!!hehe..
 
stupidest thing i've read in a long time... oh heheheh penis oh hohoho, yeah right an article on florida for growing oranges that are round like testicles that'll be another great laugh riot... i'm gonna punch my friend for sendin me to this... you owe me the 2 minutes of my life i spent reading the beginning of this
 
All of you who are reacting negatively to this post:

You are either embarassed that you have been sucking cock for all these years or...
YOUR A COMMUNIST SPY FROM GATORADE!
 
I just love how there's always at least 1 person who uses the "Still Living In Your Mom's Basement" insult...
 
Gatorade bottles here in Australia resemble a rocket. So much for you penis theory...
 
"You are either embarassed that you have been sucking cock for all these years or...
YOUR A COMMUNIST SPY FROM GATORADE!
# posted by Luluâ„¢ : 1:33 AM "

Wtf??? massive LOL/
nice post mate.!!
So what if all bottle looks like it, you pointed it out, and wittyily too.
grats man.
 
apoligies Lulu™ misread.
still lol tho
 
Hes gay!? so your saying if someone sees something that looks like a penis and tells his friends about it or makes a joke about it is gay then well probably every guy out there is gay i dont think ill be drinking gatorade again also if its suck a waste of time why did you leave a post that just wasted your time even more AND hes just putting in his oppinion of what he sees about the gatorade bottle and then you say that hes gay because he puts in his own opinion who cares if he thinks gatorade is gay or that it looks like a penis. another thing is if you look at the label on the gatorade bottles the ingredients are almost the same the only thing that is really chandged is the color. and its sussposto be a joke its funny dont take it seareusly i thought it was funny and now when i see someone drinking out of a gatorade bottle ill remember this and it will put a smile on my face and make my day funner then it was 10 seconds before
 
great take..however, PoweAde looks EXACTLY the same.

PowerAde Penis
 
"Try looking at the top of a beer bottle sometime... you think it's limited to Gatorade?" I've always thought that beer bottles actually resamble breasts (like trying to dig memories of being breast-feed)
 
This is the stupidest thing Ive ever seen. But, You know whats funny..?My marketing teacher in college actually told me that the way they "display" Pepsi products on the shelves at different stores spells sex in so many ways- Hey , maybe your him or your also just really horney- Alls I know is that sex sells!!!
 
Gatoraid extends their sincere thanks for all the enthusiastic editorial mention in the true animal spirit that is the basis of powerful contact sport today. TG
 
comments left were as funny as the article haha.
 
who are these weirdo losers that dislike this post?? dont read it, you n00bs.
 
Great Post, front page news. ROFL
 
How in the hell does Pepsi stocked on store shelves spell "sex" in any way? Your Marketing teacher should be fired! great Blog, I LMAO - and I wondered why all those fags in school loved that salty crap - Kudo's to you mate - also - why don't the commentors learn to use grammar or at least learn to type?

Thanks again for the read, also keep them CUMMING - no pun intended.
 
fucking retards.... lame ass losers who have nothing better to do then start trouble. Seriously, are you gay? or are you like 10?

*clear the road, genius coming through* You people really need to get a fucking life.
 
To the loser that wonders how people like that *salty crap* as he so nicely put it. Have you ever really read about Gatorade? What it does, who its helped? I called Gatorade today, asked them some questions on gatorade and also visited the website. Gatorade has helped so many people who play sports. By the way dumbass, it may taste salty to some, but thats because its meant to be drank when you are hot and sweaty to replace the salt your body loses. Amazing what you can find out when you ask questions instead of listening to stupud people like you all. By the way, the shape of the bottle has to do with ability to grip. Besides, its whats inside that helps retard!
 
Just read your bit on Gatorade. Interesting! just to let you know, Gatorade has NO caffiene. Should get your facts straight!
 
the abaility to grip the bottle is just what they want you to think....hell i could grab straight up water bottle as easily as a giant plastic peepee please man

SEACREST OUT
 
God did I just read all that

The artical was funny

Many of the posts were retarded

Conspiracy??? WTF ever

Did Gatorade marketing intentionally design the bottle to look like a Penis? Most likely because sex sells.

But do I really give a shit? Nope.

I like Gatorade. I'm not going to stop drinking it because somebody pointed out that it ressembles a Penis.

In short it was a funny read but a bit childish.

Regards,

NK
 
I have to disagree with one caption on one of the pictures:

I have seen porn much more blatant than what was illustrated.

But not by much.

Funny article. But I'm not saying shit about it to my wife and 10 year old daughter. Gatoraid is the only way I can get them to STFU on long road trips! :D

Max Payne.
 
speechless . . . work of art - the bottle and the article . . . speechless

titi
 
First of all, stop using the phrase "male penis". Never use it again.

Secondly, people find phallus-shapes in the world, like, ALL THE TIME. So there's a resemblance between a Gatorade bottle and the penis, I mean, if you crop the photo just right--Whoa, stop the presses....

Thirdly, So, somebody discovered that sex is used to sell something. BIG HAIRY DEAL.

I guess we can forget about Kennedy, Iran-Contra, and the run-up to the Iraq war, now that the earth-shaking truth about Gatorade has been made public
 
Ha, funny. Never noticed that.


To all the people who are like, "OMG ITS A PENIS EW IM SUEING YOU, blah blah blah", please shut up..lol
 
First of all...if you think the article was so "immature" then why the fuck are you reading it in the first place? You know it's funny...just admit it... And to those of you that want to bitch and moan, can you please learn how to spell first. Thank you.
 
Uh, Lyss, don't quote me as having used the word "immature" because I didn't use it. And, no, I don't think the original post is funny, so I won't
"just admit it". And don't give me any crap about "why the f**k did you read it in the first place?" What, only people who agree prior to reading it have the right to read and respond?
Signed, First of All
 
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
I agree with First of All. I think "Lyss" might want to consider taking the, er...Gatorade bottle...out of his ass before he goes on any more rants? Lyss might find a more suitable discussion site at "MyPlace".
 
wow i never knew someone could be so fucking stupid and ignorant. are you serious? just wow
 
Cobain revealed the mystery ages ago...

"electrolytes smell like semen"
 
Now, now, children. Play nice, or don't play at all.
 
I work in porn and I've some much SICKER shit than that. That said, OF COURSE it looks like a penis. I've known for ever(nearly). I never drink it. I dont drink beer from a bottle either....or anything that can be concieved as penis shaped....mabey they could change the name to "Broke-Back-ade".
 
Geez, I should get some kind of award for being censored out of THIS thread. But let me try and make my point another way: Why does everything always have to be phallic? I mean, couldn't the empty space contained within a so-called phallic shape (such as buildings, bottles,etc.) be considered "vaginal?"
That said, I've no doubt that products are marketed with tawdry sexual suggestions, etc., and those targeted at sports fans are no exception, but doesn't this "Gatorade Conspiracy" post both belabor the obvious (when its right) and make ridiculous, silly stretches everywhere else? -FOA
 
I thought the profile looked a lot like Darth Vaders helmet... And now I know... I can never look at Gator aid OR Darth Vader the same again O_O
 
this was boring, and not funny. you really stretched your imagination with this one to bring a lame post that i wasted 2 minutes on. so sad to see that it "made peoples days," or "it was friggin hilarious!". some people have the lamest humor.
 
Hey, I guess you don't remember or haven't seen the old commercials with the sperm swimming around in the gatorade. That would further prove your point if you could find it. I never understood why they would show little things swimming in their drink that looked like sperm and then ask, "Is it in you?" Fucking sick ass Floridians.

~jp~
 
Did the comments finally end?!? no way .. might as well comment this things... what was the subject again?? im lost now...
 
its been done.
 
Lyss's comments finally quit, at least! If I remember a different blog correctly, Lyss doesn't know what an erect male penis looks like anyway!!! OMG! But wish FoA didn't get yanked. Couldn't have been worse than what anybody else said? :)
 
Are there seriously people out there who are not going to drink Gatorade just because the bottle is phallic?
 
THIs is the most funny thing i have heard. Nice way to put it who knoes this could be true hahaha, your really funny nice to know some pepole arent faraid to make shit funny!
 
I read this and laughed my ass off when I should have been writing a 5 page essay. Thanks to your comedy, I'm going to fail English.

...Totally worth it.
 
Awesome, fuckin brilliant and damn cool post. The best laugh i've had in weeks
 
Matt Antos 315-699-2701 LOVES the cock
 
Matt Antos
315-699-2701
<3's the cock hardcore!!!!!!!!
 
Bryan Bettis loves hardcock in his ass!!! If you dont believe me check out this awesome picture!!!

http://big.ytmnsfw.com/

Love it, embrace it

Call him if you like.... 315-458-3428

Jolly!!
 
omg dont go to http://myspace.com/j0ey69
 
Yo yo I got cocks in ma ass, pass mad gas, shit on your cock, pee in your sock do er day but I aint gay sucka on ma tit fuck my moms clit yo I got mad wits hit me back -Terry Wicks

 
Post a Comment

<< Home